Sunday, February 27, 2011

Excuse Me, Are You A Black Hole?


A Black Hole is a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape. Around a black hole, there is an undetectable surface called an event horizon that marks the point of no return. It is called "black" because it absorbs all the light that hits the horizon, reflecting nothing (Wiki).

Like the Universe, the Company too has Black Holes. However, these black holes are usually man-made and at times, actual person. Anything sent to these Black Holes, especially emails, will disappear and not seen or heard again. The emails must have reached the said "point of no return". Not even a NIL reply. Not even a call to say "Hi, the dog ate your email".

It is perplexing as much as it is irritating. Perplexing because replying to an email is not such a complex process. Irritating because you need their response, urgently and that the proper completion of your work is contingent upon their prompt reply. You know they've read your missive but after days of no reply (and an equal number of days of work delayed) the Boss jumped as your "deliverables" could not make it to his desk on time. Your Boss thinks that you are “slow” and the label “inability to complete the task on time” makes its way to your Annual Review.

Throughout my entire working life, I have experienced many times the effect of sending emails to the corporate Black Holes. And mind you, Black Holes swallow not only emails (they are not primarily “emailvores"), they suck in telephones and in-person dealings as well. After your first missive gone into limbo, your follow-up with a phone call usually elicit a hastily concocted "oh sorry about that I was just about to get back to you". You know instantly you’ve just dealt with a Black Hole. You can’t help but to feel a deep sense of dread that your email has been consigned to the deepest recess of the Black Hole and that any hope of returns is almost non-existent. You also learn to stay away from the cubicle where the Black Hole inhabits.

For the Black Hole in the Universe (outer space), the theory of general relativity predicts that a very compact mass will deform space-time to form a black hole. I am not sure what deforms space-time continuum in the workplace. Somebody tells me, please.

Does it really take a lot to just click the "Reply" button, type in NIL and press SEND? How about picking up the phone and call? Just say, "Hi, your email does not add value to my increasingly important work, and so you will not get a reply"? Ok, just kidding. Just pick up the dang phone and say something. Tell me that you are still alive, and that you need more time to reply. Alternatively, tell me that you have nothing to reply. At least no one is suspended in space waiting.

Ok enough rants from the cubicle farm.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This is Home, Shirley

Both of us weren't actually watching TV. Wifey was busy texting her friends (e-gossiping) and I was skimming through the content page of a book. On TV Kit Chan and the rag-tag team of singers started to belt out the new version of "Home", the Singapore song originally rendered solo by Kit herself.

Without turning to the wife, I asked, "Who is Shirley?"

Wife: What?
Me: Shirley. Who is Shirley? This song Kit Chan singing. And what has Shirley got to do with Singapore?
Wife: Where got Shirley...?
Me: Got. Listen, there she goes again, "This is Home, Shirley..."
Wife: Not Shirley lah! SURELY.This is home, SURELY. S-U-R-E-L-Y.
Me: Ohh Ok.

One of the many ways I irritate the wife.

Of course I knew it wasn't "Shirley". Just playing out the Leslie Nielsen's character from the movie Airplane (1980). In it, he was telling somebody that the plane they were flying was about to crash. When that somebody said, "Surely you must be joking", his reply was, "No I am not joking and stop calling me Shirley". I really enjoyed that movie. Ok, not very intellectual and definitely did not promote growth brain cells, but really hilarious.


In my mind, the song continues...

This is Home , Shirley
And my pocket empty
someone please pay for me
All my money has long gone

To pay for parking
and inflation rising
I am not sure
if I can take this anymore....
But what to do
I love Singapore...